identity crisis

(warning: if you are unfamiliar with myers-briggs temperament types, you may be a bit confused)

in my mid-teens, my dad took a psych class and shared the myers-briggs temperament sorter and the book please understand me II by david keirsey with my family. my sister and i were fascinated with the whole concept of typology and both tested as idealists. she was an infp, and i an enfp "champion".i was amazed when i read the description of my type, and couldn't believe how right-on it was. it described things about me that i had never actually identified, but had always felt. for example:

Idealist self-confidence rests on their authenticity, their genuineness as a person, or put another way, the self-image they present to the world allows for no facade, no mask, no pretense. - pg 138
P.U.M. II, Keirsey

and

Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and a great passion for novelty, and so can become bored rather quickly with both situations and people, and resist repeating experiences. Also, they can never quite shake the feeling that a part of themselves is split off, uninvolved in their experience. - pg 156 P.U.M. II, Keirsey

i remember thinking, "you mean, there are other people who are this way?!" there were some things i could throw out or were only partly true, but mostly it was me.

immediately, we started making everyone we knew take the test. we were obsessed. it just makes sense for us as nfs to care so much about self-actualization and mutual understanding. over the years, i have taken the test many times, and have always been enfp, even after i felt i had changed. often, though, two of the letters came up even, the e/i and the f/t. i was only really strong on the n and the p. i never even had a bit of j in me, a fact which explained much about me.

well, the other day i did a sorter for the first time in a few years. this time it was from the book personality type: an owner's manual by lenore thomson. (i'm really liking the book) i scored as an intp! what's more astounding is that i answered two questions on the j side as opposed to p! it's slightly distressing to have my perception of myself be challenged this way. any artisans or guardians reading would probably think that's pretty ridiculous.

after reading about intp's, some if it is very true of me:

They tend to see distinctions and inconsistencies in thought and language instantaneously, and can detect contradictions in statements no matter when or where the statements were made. Only sentences that are coherent carry weight with them, and thus authority derived from office, credential or celebrity does not impress them. - pg 206

that drives brooks so crazy about me... i can't help but rephrase his sentences properly for him sometimes. this temperament also explains my obsession with logic and natural laws. the only school subjects in which i regularly scored well were math and sciences. one semester in college, i got an a+ in symbolic logic and a d in painting. how backwards is that?

i have come to the conclusion that i have a personal spectrum of temperament ranging from enfp to intp. often times, i do sense my conflicting tendencies inside of me.

enough about me. how about you? here is a free test online. go take it and tell me what you score, and whether the type description is a good fit. i just took this particular one and was enfp again! still was close to the middle on e and f.

for the journey

my best friend ever, misti, flew to town today. i love her. we became instant pals when we met over 10 years ago. to say that life has changed since we were 15 is an understatement. but here we are, still friends through it all.

we are pretty different overall, and that's part of the reason our relationship survived highschool... we never had the same love interests. okay, maybe we shared a crush once or twice, but nothing major.

we don't keep in that great of touch, sometimes months go by without a phone call. but we don't get offended. we just pick up where we left off when we do get together. oh, it feels good to unload and talk for hours on end about our deepest, darkest thoughts. it's so liberating to be understood and identified with, without being looked down upon. anything goes.

anyway, i'm glad my friend is here!

through the bible in a year, or five

there's this really cool website (bibleinayear.org) that helps you to read throught the Bible in a year by emailing you your daily scriptures. i've been with the program for probably almost five months. honestly, i haven't even read half of the emails, just delete them when i know i'm not going to get to it. but right now, it's starting to get interesting.

i chose the format to be chronological, and right now i'm up to david. the reason it's neat is that the psalms he wrote are more in context, so i see the surrounding circumstances for each song/poem. i can read the third-person historical account, and the next day get up close to david's heart.

check it out, and don't guilt trip yourself if you skip it some (or most) days... i just move on when i get the motivation.

lejana y sola

well, i've had a few positive things happen since my last posting.

thursday, after putting rhys to bed, i took a long, hot bath complete with a cup of hot tea and a good book (ragamuffin gospel). ahhhhh.

friday, i decided to work on the house and not worry about business, except for checking my email. it has a big impact on my state of mind to have things less chaotic around me. i was still struggling big-time with negativity though. woe is me, i'm so burdened, blah blah. why can't i shake it?

i was pleasantly surprised on friday evening that brooks thought we should go to the birthday celebration for jeff (& audrey & kira), even though it's not in our budget. but we went & had a great time with everyone. wish we could've gone to see the narnia movie too!!

then tonight (saturday) we attended a fabulous, formal Christmas ball! we danced and laughed and socialized while rhys was with his mimi & papi (brooks' parents). i could've stayed all night. thank you lauren (and others whom i do not know as well) for inviting us and for all of your hard work. it was a success, and a great escape for me personally.


so, that was the good stuff. plenty of bad, annoying stuff happened too; but i'm making an effort at positivity here!

this afternoon, while brooks and rhys napped, i journaled a prayer and a scripture came to me which was encouraging. the thing is, i think it's so overused & cliche, but when i thought of it, it gave me comfort. it's funny how a passage can speak to one differently through the varying stages of life... Living and Active.. here it is in the New Living Translation:

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light." (Matthew 11, at the end)

the reason i was comforted is that i felt understood by Christ, He was talking to me. He has compassion for me and wants to teach me gently. when i started thinking about it more deeply, i got a little confused, like how exactly does this work? can i truly claim this rest in my soul while the surrounding circumstances remain difficult? i want that! i am continuing to meditate on it in my quiet moments (and the surrounding text).

in the meantime, anyone who cares, please pray for me to be motivated toward holiness in all i do. i've just been flailing, as may be evident from my previous blog.

just to blog

i'm posting just to get something up here, it's been so long.

i'm pretty stressed out... brooks lost his job less than two weeks ago, actually on his birthday, november 26. i really took it in stride at first, i sort of always had it in the back of my head that he could lose his job at any time. he had been discontent there for a long time but couldn't bring himself to quit and find something else. his overal lack of motivation really showed in his performance, therefore he ended up getting fired.

anyway, so, i always had these contingency plans in the back of my head if he lost his job what we would do. and of course, i knew i'd have to actively seek new clients for my commercial cleaning company (green clean). brooks' former boss has been awesome in that regard. i clean the building that he owns, and he personally contacted some other building owners that he knows and referred my services. he is amazing. i've delivered a proposal to one of those referrals so far, and hope to hear from one of the others. i've just got to focus on getting one at a time though.

like i said, i took it in stride at first. but now i feel like i'm running out of reserves. being a mom and running a household is more than a full-time job in itself. now i'm in charge of planning and preparing every meal for us, we used to eat out quite often. plus i am trying to encourage brooks in his plans for finding a new career path and help him to get healthy. he has been dealing with some major health problems lately. on top of all that i also have this business to manage which seems to have had a lot of little problems coming up. i'm way behind on paperwork and am in dire need of an office day without rhys whining for my attention.

when it comes to the end of the day, after i get rhys put to sleep, i just feel wiped and am pretty much ready to sleep myself. the dishes from dinner sit dirty, toys are scattered on the floor, the trash stinks and needs to be taken out.

i do get a lot done every day, it's just that my recently doubled daily tasks leave very little time for the other periodic items whch are piling up. tomorrow morning, it all starts again. when am i going to get a breath of air?