identity crisis

(warning: if you are unfamiliar with myers-briggs temperament types, you may be a bit confused)

in my mid-teens, my dad took a psych class and shared the myers-briggs temperament sorter and the book please understand me II by david keirsey with my family. my sister and i were fascinated with the whole concept of typology and both tested as idealists. she was an infp, and i an enfp "champion".i was amazed when i read the description of my type, and couldn't believe how right-on it was. it described things about me that i had never actually identified, but had always felt. for example:

Idealist self-confidence rests on their authenticity, their genuineness as a person, or put another way, the self-image they present to the world allows for no facade, no mask, no pretense. - pg 138
P.U.M. II, Keirsey

and

Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and a great passion for novelty, and so can become bored rather quickly with both situations and people, and resist repeating experiences. Also, they can never quite shake the feeling that a part of themselves is split off, uninvolved in their experience. - pg 156 P.U.M. II, Keirsey

i remember thinking, "you mean, there are other people who are this way?!" there were some things i could throw out or were only partly true, but mostly it was me.

immediately, we started making everyone we knew take the test. we were obsessed. it just makes sense for us as nfs to care so much about self-actualization and mutual understanding. over the years, i have taken the test many times, and have always been enfp, even after i felt i had changed. often, though, two of the letters came up even, the e/i and the f/t. i was only really strong on the n and the p. i never even had a bit of j in me, a fact which explained much about me.

well, the other day i did a sorter for the first time in a few years. this time it was from the book personality type: an owner's manual by lenore thomson. (i'm really liking the book) i scored as an intp! what's more astounding is that i answered two questions on the j side as opposed to p! it's slightly distressing to have my perception of myself be challenged this way. any artisans or guardians reading would probably think that's pretty ridiculous.

after reading about intp's, some if it is very true of me:

They tend to see distinctions and inconsistencies in thought and language instantaneously, and can detect contradictions in statements no matter when or where the statements were made. Only sentences that are coherent carry weight with them, and thus authority derived from office, credential or celebrity does not impress them. - pg 206

that drives brooks so crazy about me... i can't help but rephrase his sentences properly for him sometimes. this temperament also explains my obsession with logic and natural laws. the only school subjects in which i regularly scored well were math and sciences. one semester in college, i got an a+ in symbolic logic and a d in painting. how backwards is that?

i have come to the conclusion that i have a personal spectrum of temperament ranging from enfp to intp. often times, i do sense my conflicting tendencies inside of me.

enough about me. how about you? here is a free test online. go take it and tell me what you score, and whether the type description is a good fit. i just took this particular one and was enfp again! still was close to the middle on e and f.

for the journey

my best friend ever, misti, flew to town today. i love her. we became instant pals when we met over 10 years ago. to say that life has changed since we were 15 is an understatement. but here we are, still friends through it all.

we are pretty different overall, and that's part of the reason our relationship survived highschool... we never had the same love interests. okay, maybe we shared a crush once or twice, but nothing major.

we don't keep in that great of touch, sometimes months go by without a phone call. but we don't get offended. we just pick up where we left off when we do get together. oh, it feels good to unload and talk for hours on end about our deepest, darkest thoughts. it's so liberating to be understood and identified with, without being looked down upon. anything goes.

anyway, i'm glad my friend is here!

through the bible in a year, or five

there's this really cool website (bibleinayear.org) that helps you to read throught the Bible in a year by emailing you your daily scriptures. i've been with the program for probably almost five months. honestly, i haven't even read half of the emails, just delete them when i know i'm not going to get to it. but right now, it's starting to get interesting.

i chose the format to be chronological, and right now i'm up to david. the reason it's neat is that the psalms he wrote are more in context, so i see the surrounding circumstances for each song/poem. i can read the third-person historical account, and the next day get up close to david's heart.

check it out, and don't guilt trip yourself if you skip it some (or most) days... i just move on when i get the motivation.

lejana y sola

well, i've had a few positive things happen since my last posting.

thursday, after putting rhys to bed, i took a long, hot bath complete with a cup of hot tea and a good book (ragamuffin gospel). ahhhhh.

friday, i decided to work on the house and not worry about business, except for checking my email. it has a big impact on my state of mind to have things less chaotic around me. i was still struggling big-time with negativity though. woe is me, i'm so burdened, blah blah. why can't i shake it?

i was pleasantly surprised on friday evening that brooks thought we should go to the birthday celebration for jeff (& audrey & kira), even though it's not in our budget. but we went & had a great time with everyone. wish we could've gone to see the narnia movie too!!

then tonight (saturday) we attended a fabulous, formal Christmas ball! we danced and laughed and socialized while rhys was with his mimi & papi (brooks' parents). i could've stayed all night. thank you lauren (and others whom i do not know as well) for inviting us and for all of your hard work. it was a success, and a great escape for me personally.


so, that was the good stuff. plenty of bad, annoying stuff happened too; but i'm making an effort at positivity here!

this afternoon, while brooks and rhys napped, i journaled a prayer and a scripture came to me which was encouraging. the thing is, i think it's so overused & cliche, but when i thought of it, it gave me comfort. it's funny how a passage can speak to one differently through the varying stages of life... Living and Active.. here it is in the New Living Translation:

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light." (Matthew 11, at the end)

the reason i was comforted is that i felt understood by Christ, He was talking to me. He has compassion for me and wants to teach me gently. when i started thinking about it more deeply, i got a little confused, like how exactly does this work? can i truly claim this rest in my soul while the surrounding circumstances remain difficult? i want that! i am continuing to meditate on it in my quiet moments (and the surrounding text).

in the meantime, anyone who cares, please pray for me to be motivated toward holiness in all i do. i've just been flailing, as may be evident from my previous blog.

just to blog

i'm posting just to get something up here, it's been so long.

i'm pretty stressed out... brooks lost his job less than two weeks ago, actually on his birthday, november 26. i really took it in stride at first, i sort of always had it in the back of my head that he could lose his job at any time. he had been discontent there for a long time but couldn't bring himself to quit and find something else. his overal lack of motivation really showed in his performance, therefore he ended up getting fired.

anyway, so, i always had these contingency plans in the back of my head if he lost his job what we would do. and of course, i knew i'd have to actively seek new clients for my commercial cleaning company (green clean). brooks' former boss has been awesome in that regard. i clean the building that he owns, and he personally contacted some other building owners that he knows and referred my services. he is amazing. i've delivered a proposal to one of those referrals so far, and hope to hear from one of the others. i've just got to focus on getting one at a time though.

like i said, i took it in stride at first. but now i feel like i'm running out of reserves. being a mom and running a household is more than a full-time job in itself. now i'm in charge of planning and preparing every meal for us, we used to eat out quite often. plus i am trying to encourage brooks in his plans for finding a new career path and help him to get healthy. he has been dealing with some major health problems lately. on top of all that i also have this business to manage which seems to have had a lot of little problems coming up. i'm way behind on paperwork and am in dire need of an office day without rhys whining for my attention.

when it comes to the end of the day, after i get rhys put to sleep, i just feel wiped and am pretty much ready to sleep myself. the dishes from dinner sit dirty, toys are scattered on the floor, the trash stinks and needs to be taken out.

i do get a lot done every day, it's just that my recently doubled daily tasks leave very little time for the other periodic items whch are piling up. tomorrow morning, it all starts again. when am i going to get a breath of air?

i never thought i'd be an oprah watcher

i haven't typically been a tv watcher during the day... kind of like wine drinking. it just doesn't seem appropriate until the evening. but occasionally of late, i've been turning it on at around three in the afternoon. yes, it's oprah time.

it's not as bad as i always assumed. some of the guests aren't very interesting to me, so i turn it off on those days. but sometimes, i really enjoy it. like how she's on this mission now to find child molestors and get them in jail. it was satisfying to see the stories about the two that have been caught so far.

unfortunately, she is pretty confused spiritually. i think she has really good intentions.

today she had a special report about poverty in the u.s.a. it makes me wonder how many people we may have in our part of town who are living below the poverty line. it is pretty rough around here... but i still don't know any really poor people (if you don't count my brother). how can i live among them and not even know any? i do try to be friendly with my section 8 housing neighbors, they just seem to want to move on when i talk to them, well except the mexicans next door, but i only speak a little spanish. i used to know hundreds in indiana, probably because i volunteered with an inner-city outreach, kids' church. i was just more connected in that city. here, i feel like people are so much more private and divided.

why are middle-classers afraid of poor people? i think one reason is that the only interaction we have across classes is when one class is offering aid to another. this automatically defines the relationship with one as the taker and the other as a giver. this carries the implication that one is better than the other. if we were to befriend the poor, do we fear we'll be sucked dry financially? would they just be leaches and make us feel too guilty to enjoy our own income? or could we have true give & take friendships as fellow people.

i think i used to be poor. my parents had some tough financial times when i was young. i do remember a wonderfully home-made Christmas one year. our parents couldn't afford to buy gifts, so my ever-resourceful mother made an impressive, furnished dollhouse out of bottles, packaging, boxes & fabric scraps. we loved that stuff for years! she created some other little jewels too, but the doll furniture was the best. our apartment complex at the time was pretty culturally diverse (which i had no concept of as a child... it never even crossed my mind that ethnicity had anything to do with whom a person was until i was at least 10). looking back, it's hard for me to tell how poor we might have seemed to outsiders. it didn't matter, my child eyes found marvels in the mundane... i felt rich when i discovered that the honeysuckle flowers beside our building held sweet nectar, the crab apple trees seemed an expansive kingdom for me to climb. the hollow metal light pole with an opening in the bottom was my own personal recording studio. i walked with a sceptar (stick), knocking seeds off of the sunflower hanging over a neighbor's fence. oh, and the blackberry bushes near the edge of the complex, now those were a real treasure.

that was fun to remember. what does all that have to do with anything? well, i guess, poor is a state of mind. then again, i always had food to eat. the truly destitute & malnourished are another story. it's pretty sad to know that we have that sort of poverty in our country. i have so many thoughts on this, about our role in this as the church, as individuals. i have gladly given meals on the spur of the moment to ragged people who asked (and some who didn't)... and a few times ended up having meaningful conversations as we sat and ate together. i encourage everyone to do this without fear. i have not done it much since i got married, to respect my husband's wishes concerning my safety; but i do miss those days of fearlessly seizing opportunities to connect with the needy. why are you afraid? nothing will happen to you that is outside of God's will, step out and see what he will do when you radically obey his command to feed & clothe the poor. maybe you'll actually make some friends along the way.

there are so many ways i could go with these thoughts, but it's too late, so i'm going to have to stop myself. but, as a result of these ramblings, i am inspired to finish reading no compromise. it's about the ministry of keith & melody green. now, they were radical.

i think i'm thinking too much

i obviously haven't been writing much since i started this pointless blog. the thing is, i keep thinking of things that i'd like to write about, but always see a reason why i shouldn't. for instance, i have a lot of observations and personal comments on marriage... but i know my husband would not like being discussed and exposed. even if i want to talk about marriage in general, my frame of reference is obviously in relation to him. but one thing i can say is: it really does take three to make a healthy marriage.

anyway, since i always shoot down my own ideas for what to post, i decided to just get on and write and see if anything would come to me.

well, i know rhys won't mind if i include him. he's my sweet little baby boy. he's almost a year old, and i still can't get over how awesome he is. he's learning so quickly. it's so fun now that he can understand some words and respond. i say, "where's your ball?" and he crawls right to it. i say, "clap your hands." and he obliges gleefully (usually). what a doll. it's so difficult to fathom that he will actually be a separate and independent person some day. he is so very dependent on me physically and emotionally right now.

it just makes me think about how young adults often become estranged from or resentful toward their parents. i wonder how that starts. it can't just be one day that the kids decide they no longer respect their parents... there must be a gradual distancing that goes unnoticed until it's too late. i need to find some older parents who never had that happen with their kids and get some advice. i'm not the type to withdraw my love when i disapprove of one's behavior, so i don't think i'll fall into that manipulative trap.

actually, i am probably more likely to err on the side of being too soft. i do understand the critical need for guidance and discipline; i believe the Bible clearly teaches that it is imperative part of parenting. my problem is that I tend to give the benefit of the doubt. especially since rhys can't speak for himself yet, i try to think of why he might be behaving badly and try to correct the situation rather than correcting him. this only seems logical and appropriate. i mean, there are obvious times when he's just plain being disobedient. i've told him a hundred times, "no" when he pulls on an electric cord. he knows it's off limits, but he still goes for sometimes. but some people think that he should be disciplined for crying when he's done eating and wants out of his high chair, or ignored when he cries because he wants to be held. i think those are legitimate baby needs, and he just hasn't learned a better way to let us know. my mom says that moms are just made to be the sympathetic ones, so maybe she's right.

one thing's for sure; i'd rather be too loving than too harsh. wouldn't you agree?

now, i must go snuggle with my sleeping little sweety and go to sleep myself. (yes, we co-sleep)

it's a bum wrap

i am starting a cloth diapering store. it's called "a bum wrap." i got the idea back when i was pregnant and was looking around town for a place to check out my cloth diaper options. lo and behold, i could not find such a place. i had to figure it all out for myself via the world wide web. i don't think other new moms should have to do the same. i want to be a resource for moms who are thinking about cloth diapering, and an advocate to reach those who would not normally consider it.

i only got serious about this business a few months ago, after talking over my ideas with several people. when my husband started getting excited too, i knew i could really go for it. keep your eyes open for our website to be up and running in november, 2005. we are shooting for february, 2006 to open a physical location. i hope to add a diaper service option within a year.

i think i'll have more posts in the future about cloth diapers... because i'm sure you got the wrong idea as soon as you heard the word. we have no pins, no plastic pants.

i love using our cloth diapers. next time you see me with my little guy, take a look at his bum wrap.

Xilitol links

Xylitol comes in different forms. You can buy products containing it, such as gum & nasal spray. Or, you can buy it in crystal form for cooking & sweetening beverages. There are probably other ways, but I haven't looked into it.

Here are some links, you can buy products from most of these sites:

emeraldforestxylitol.com
xylitol.org
xylitol.com
xylitolstore.com
globalsweet.com

I got my first canister (Emerald Forest brand) from Gentle Strength Cooperative, but I see it is cheaper online.

xylitol

i'm such a follower. everyone else has a blog. now, so do i. i'm not much of a writer and am very inconsistent, so don't expect much.

i joked with jeffrey and brooks that if i ever started a blog my first post would be about xylitol, my current crusade.

xylitol- if you don't know anything about it, do a search. it's amazing. a natural sweetener that's good for your body and good for your teeth! you can even use it if you're diabetic. it is not fake or chemically altered; it is tree sugar and it tastes like it, no aftertaste. it is metabolized independently from insulin. you get no sugar highs, no sugar lows.

the one and only downside is, well, it's a little expensive. i think it's worth it. since i stopped gorging on refined foods, i'm feeling much better in general. having xylitol helps me satisfy my massive sweet tooth while remaining true to my dietary ideals.

that's all for now. more crusades to come.